My Body Story.

Gosh the things my body could tell you!!                                    

We live our lives believing we are loving, non – abusive, non-violent, non judgemental people yet I feel if asked, our bodies would most certainly disagree.

The numerous ways we have abused, judged & hated our own bodies, denying its natural beauty, wishing it were more …. Or less …

Maybe it began at 14, maybe before. But at 14 I was in control.

Missing meals, filling myself up with water, keeping a food diary, feeling disgusted at myself if I ate too much … hated my legs, oh especially my thighs, my breasts … my life was being turned upside down & inside out by my abusive parents & I guess food was the only thing in my life I felt I could control.

At 21 I remember my 3 year old son asking why he was having dinner & I was having breakfast again … I remember looking in the mirror at my naked body, the vision of skin & ribs, yet still seeing those dam “fat thighs”!

That same year I was diagnosed with colitis. The steroids to stop the internal bleeding made me hungry, puffed up my cheeks. I refused to take the medication , the pain seemingly easier to live with then thought of feeding an un controllable hunger.

At 28 I was severely ill, weighing 5 ½ stone, the internal bleeding could not be stopped by the intravenous steroids … to save my life I had 3 major operations … a scar now running up from my pubic bone to a couple of inches above my belly button & a colostomy bag …

I was now in control of nothing, I hated myself, the bag of “shit” attached to me I felt was a true reflection of who I was.

I remember my ex husband buying me expensive shoes, dresses … he didn’t realise that no amount of money or clothing was ever going to change how I felt about myself.  This was deeper than clothes, than skin … what needed to change was the inside.

‎”There is no home, unless we find it in ourselves.” Osho

 An awakened journey began back then in 2000. No more sleep walking through life ,slowly the unloving ways began to be “seen”, healed & released.  It seemed everything I had been allowing to fester inside was now making it’s way out of my body with health symptoms.

I softened … let myself into my own heart. Held my own fears, redefined all those crazy beliefs of body image and sex that I grew up upon.   

Began to give to myself what I had believed was missing.

Let go of who I THOUGHT I was, who I had been TOLD I was, my own judgements, labels, opinions created by my head, all literally dropping as I moved into the home of my soul ~ 

My Body.

The only “home” I will “own” & live in for the whole of this lifetime…

Through tantra and yoga I embraced my womanhood, my sexuality, my be-ing, my body.

After all these years a celebration!

An allowing to simply be who I am.

No should ~ No if, ~ No but ~ No when~ No how ….

Simply be-ing this woman, in this body.

In May 2011  from an anorexic girl who would turn crimson at the camera, who refused to have a wedding photographer … posed tastefully & most beautifully naked in the garden …. & loved every minute of it. 

In fact my hand is now first up when any naked poses are required *grin*

Why?

Because I am not my body, my scars, my thighs or even my reconstructed breasts …

They are my stories of where I have been and the stories that have made me who I am now but certainly not my identity. 

I am more than …. More than words could ever define …. And so are YOU!

The photos on this page are simply a celebration of my body … a loving acceptance … a “welcome home.”

I want my daughter … & my sons to love their bodies, “owning” every part, with a deep respect for who they are & they uniqueness.

I want my children to celebrate their sexuality, their creativity, their womanhood, their manhood.

I do not want to see my children grow into carbon copies, there is only one of them in the world, one of me & one of you!

How amazing, how incredible is that!!

We are what we think … our thoughts based upon our own opinions & the opinions of others, our ideals & the ideals of society … our comparisons.

We dis-own our bodies because of these thoughts … & they are joust THOUHGTS, not TRUTH …

Who is to say what is perfection & what is not?

What is beauty & what is not?

 

The beauty is “found” by CELEBRATING YOUR BODY, LOVING YOUR BODY as it is NOW, moving into your body as the only home you will have for the whole of your lifetime … for this is where you will find YOU.

Under all the trauma, all the bullshit, all the pain and untruth lives most divinely & ever so simply …

Be~ YOU ~ tiful unique fabulous you ♥️

 

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